Chasing Satan Away - Those Crazy Televangelists!: January 2009

It's no secret that regular Televangelist programming is often cheesy, bizarre and downright hilarious, but religous public access TV adds an extra dimension of creepiness to the mix. This may be due to lower viewership rates combined with show hosts who are not concerned about their image and reputation like the big wheels from God TV or TBN are. Whatever the reason, some things should never be broadcast, like this christian puppet show:

Please note: May contain explicit language at times

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A few days ago, Oprah interviewed disgraced televangelist Ted Haggard about his meth infused, gay sex scandal and I couldn't help thinking about the things he said in the Jesus Camp Documentary condemning homosexuality.

Here's a short clip:

It tickles me to think that the whole time, he was buying meth from his male prostitute lover and getting it on in seedy motels...

Here's part of the Oprah interview:

This is why you should pay your hoes well!

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This just in....well not really, it happened 2 years ago....but no that's not a typo; famous televangelist Joyce Meyer did in fact pay $23,000 for a marble toilet in November, 2007.

While LA senorita Meyer's taste in toilets shouldn't have been anybody's business, this tacky display of excess overflowed the bowl of common sense and actually precipitated an investigation into her finances by a U.S Senator...It also caused a storm of speculation among the common folk like myself, who simply could not come up with a valid justification no matter how hard we tried.

Luckily, one group of people had an answer:

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When I say I've watched a lot of late night religious TV, I mean I've watched A LOT of religious programming.... but somehow, I managed to miss this pearl:

Image from 'Scary Televangelist Hair'. Click on image to visit site.

Her name is Jan Crouch and along with her husband Paul, she owns one of the biggest religious TV networks: TBN (Trinity Broadcasting Network). She has the biggest hair of anybody I've ever known and she's always squeezing the hell out of the innocent little tissues that happen to be on her god table during one of her "prayers" and you know what, I absolutely adore her!

CLICK HERE to visit the always interesting 'Scary Televangelist Hair' site and to learn more about La Senorita Jan Crouch...

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A compilation of Tilton clips set to snazzy new age music...

Speaking in tongues, inability to count, etc....

Towards the end, he has a Germaine Jackson look alike dancing in front of him..

Google Ads is messin' me up...

In these clips, Robert Tilton dispenses important information about how to have "Success N Life"

Why it had to be an 'N' and not a simple 'in' since it's only 1 extra letter, I'm sure I don't know...

Testing Physics:

Basic Commands:

Air Tickling:

Go forth & Prosper!

Let this pastor stomp on your baby sins and get rid of them once and for all so they stop eating all your food and smoking all your stogies...

Since I couldn't sleep, I schlepped out the camcorder and surfed the religious channels for a bit..I was immediately drawn to this guy:

Within the span of 1 minute, he says the words prophet and prophetize about 13 times! At one point, I began to feel as though he was prophetizing directly into my brain through the TV but he was just trying to sell his "prophecy" CD....

Then, the minute I turn around, he's in a room and everybody's pointing at his mouth:

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When I look at Robert Tilton, all I see is dance moves too!

I'm happy that someone took the time to stitch together a bunch of tiny Tilton tid bits and set them to music.

Apparently, Benny Hinn has a middle ear problem or likes to get tipsy before a revival. Either way, it's hilarious!

I particularly like the part at around 0:35 when he turns on everyone like a hissing cat and then falls backwards onto his imaginary recliner...

I've combed the internet for televangelist gimmick videos and I've put together a few clips for your viewing pleasure. Now, a Rastafarian might say that the methods these televangelists use to get into your wallet are pure "TacTricks" and that they should be condemned to the fire or "Fi-yaaaa!!"

This is true.

These miracle healers are pushing everything from crackers to oil to water and one pastor even has a....well, you'll see.

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As I curiously opened an email with "Increase your lovestick" in the subject line, eyes up towards the ceiling, I wondered what kind of spam Televangelist Pat Robertson gets every day. I then wondered if I would be able to dig up some snazzy Pat Robertson clips. After 2 seconds of fast finger work, I came across a "Becoming an ex-gay" type of video created by the 700 Club.

Within the first 30 seconds Pat breaks it down: there was a militant lesbian who found jesus and stunned the gay community when she became Un-gay. She then resumed her post as magazine editor of a magazine named after a friend who had been allegedly murdered by her gay lover.

In the video, Charlene Cothran (a.k.a the militant lesbian) says that one day during a gay pride event, a sense of shame came over her; I tend to think it was caused by the hideous red and black flannel shirts she was wearing at the time. If I left the house wearing that, I would definitely be ashamed, unless of of course, I was off to chop down a tree in the mountains...but getting back to the video, Ms. Cothran, who is now living a life of celibacy, is dedicated to pulling people out of what she calls "the gay life" and insists that being Un-gay is better than any good music in a club or any gay pride parade.

Pat Robertson, who apparently views homosexuals as a group of people who have thrown their hands up and continue to sin just for the hell of it, believes that god loves all gays even though they will always have a gray ziggy cloud of confusion and turmoil hanging over them.

Most dissapointing is the lack of trannies prancing around dressed like ballerinas in the stock footage.

For a GLBT perspective on this story, visit: http://www.goodasyou.org/good_as_you/2007/06/charlene_from_g.html

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I was kinda bored today and thought I could use a quick pick me up, so I headed over to MinistryWatch.com, a site that aims to protect unsuspecting consumers from donating to seedy televangelists. I did a search on The Christian Network a.k.a Worship Network a.k.a Praise TV Network and a quick glance of their financial statements show they've done quite well over the past few years. Touché Christian Network!

Those "Hymns of Hope" CDs must have been flying off the rack because from 2000 to 2004, the Christian Network had a revenue of $22,215,458! That's between $4 million and $5 million every year! except for 2001 which was a bad year all around. Even though the 2005 to 2008 financial statements aren't on Ministry Watch just yet, I can imagine that the Christian Network continues to do exceedingly well despite the economic crisis that has the rest of the world contemplating pawning their gold teeth for cash.

I think it's time that Televangelism be offered as a major in college...

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Well, this guy looks more like a cross between Elvis Presley and Nathan Lane but he is chock full of charisma.

I actually grew fond of this fox and I'm honestly tempted to send him a $1000 seed. Thank god I'm dead ass broke and can't be seduced by his beautiful hair.......

If I were this guy's mother in law, I would be worried about getting rubbed out...He seems a little too soft spoken and maniacal if you ask me:

If you've ever wanted to know about hurricanes and how they affect airplanes, then you're in luck!

Although his perfect afro kinda drowns out his words, this young man has given a detailed explanation of hot and cold air and high turbulence that can shake a plane and how it all relates to you sowing a $777 seed to the church.

Benny Hinn fondling a big ass cross while listening to some crazy guy that alternates between psychosis and melancholy throughout the clip...

Just in case you were wondering: The guy starts out by saying that while on vacation in Amsterdam (smoking a dubee) he happened upon a big burly man who was trying to commit suicide by banging his head against the wall?.....Couldn't get my camera set up in time....damn!

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Paul Lewis recommends bathing with his miracle olive oil soap and if you have a serious disease like cancer or aids or if one of your legs is longer than the other one, the soap works just as well to cure you...and if you're in jail, this soap will break you out too! Fast forward to about 6:20 to see him make some lady's legs grow.

Rub a dub dub...he'll "rush it in the mail" with "no uh..strings attached"

While doing my usual browsing, I found a bunch of complaints against Peter Popoff and his ministries on the Rip Off Report site.

One report that caught my eye was made by an alleged ex employee of Kelly Media Group, an advertising agency that worked for Popoff.

According to the informant, who worked closely on the Peter Popoff account, she witnessed first hand the team of little evil elves that sort through Popoff's mail and pluck the checks out, while sending the prayer request letters to another department to be entered into a database. The purpose of the database, says the informant, is to produce relevant prayer letters that appear handwritten by Popoff himself; this makes sense to me since there's probably nothing more inspiring than a hand written letter from God's agent himself! and I'm sure many folks are inspired to send in more cash and prayer requests. But I digress, so where was I? Oh yea, so the informant also states that Popoff doesn't pray for anyone who sends letters and prayer requests because he in fact, never even sees the letters! The complaint goes on to mention that Popoff is basically a fraud (what a suprise! not) in the same way a mechanic would be if he claimed to fix your car when he hadn't even looked at it.

One interesting item is a rebuttal made by an employee insider by the name of Nickolas who defends Popoff and attacks the informant. Another commenter has speculated that this employee insider may in fact be Popoff's son, Nickolas Popoff, due to the unique spelling of the name used to sign the rebuttal post. Interesting...

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In this miraculous video, Pastor Kerney Thomas cures a young lady of her HIV+ status.

I wonder why doctors haven't been able to cure HIV and AIDS when this guy has been doing so for years!

Several months ago, I was forced to change my cable service provider because I moved to another state and I was not about to be without cable here in this "Hills Have Eyes" town.

After many hours spent exploring the new channels, I came across at least 10 religious channels that have 24/7 religious programming and I thought, "Wow, this is ridiculous!" but as I watched, I found an incredible source of entertainment.

Between the perverse children's shows, the reformed gays and the stiff hair of every televangelist, all of these shows are actually quite hilarious and a pleasure to watch.

So I've floated down from the heavens like a little cherubim to share this crap with you.

A note to environmentalists: try hard not to "sow" any "seeds" because it can get quite tempting as many of these televangelist shows claim that your donation goes towards planting trees in far off places. I doubt that even 1 tomato plant seed has been cast so far....it's a sham, I say!

Friday, January 30, 2009

Monday, January 26, 2009

Friday, January 23, 2009

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Monday, January 19, 2009

Saturday, January 17, 2009

Friday, January 16, 2009

Thursday, January 15, 2009

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