Jesus Christs has signed up for a Youtube account and has even posted a few videos. Sadly, he moderates all comments and is not open to discussion at all. Who knew Jesus' ego was so fragile?
Anyway, Jesus III, as he calls himself, also runs a creepy website where in a monotone voice he talks about the end of the world and charges $10 plus shipping and handling for forgiveness and wisdom CDs. According to his website, he'll soon be accepting Paypal and checks; after all, Jesus needs the money to play the slots in heaven...
Did you have a reaction? You may be one of the 144000.....or you may be asleep...
Jesus on why he waited so damn long to come forward:
No, these aren't stills from Ice Cube's "Gangsta Rap Made Me Do It," these are stills from a Christian Broadcasting Network program entitled "Martin Briseno: A Bank Robber Forgiven."
This five minute mini-scarface episode tells the story of Martin Briseno, a self admitted crackhead "who owed a lot of people money." Briseno was desperate for cash so he dashed into his local bank one day and robbed it. According to Briseno, the teller he was pointing his gun at kept uttering the words, "Oh my god, jesus christ" and he found that to be very unusual behavior for a bank teller who had a gun pointed at his face.
Anyway, he managed to get away but didn't realize that some busybody had seen him get into his car and had called the fuzz. The police had his house surrounded by the time he got home, so he decided to run. Well no, he decided to buy a little crack for the road and went to his drug dealer first. The dealer promptly whacked him over the head and stole the money he had just robbed from the bank. At that point Briseno felt "insignificant and like a total failure." He ran away and assumed a new identity.
Then, according to Briseno (or CBN writers) one day his brother walked into the very bank he had robbed and met the teller that Briseno had held up. The teller had a message for Briseno: I forgive you. Bleh! Total Corn...and that's when Briseno found jesus.
Erica Conner from Wichita Falls, Texas believes Jesus is living in her kitchen cabinet door. After sitting through an inspirational presentation related to the book "90 Minutes in Heaven," Conner came home and immediately noticed Jesus in her cabinet door. Things took a dramatic turn later on that day when she noticed that cabinet Jesus was shedding a tear. "It makes sense that he's crying. We live in a broken world," said Conner.Read More
This is not the first time Jesus has appeared on a cabinet door. In August 2007, a Connecticut couple noticed a foggy image of christ (or chewbacca) on one of their kitchen cabinets:
and in July 2008, a woman in Tennessee snapped a photo in her kitchen after her brother's funeral and was shocked to see Jesus himself (or a creepy blob) in her kitchen cabinet:
Back in 2007, a greasy man claiming to be the incarnation of Jesus Christ made his public debut.
Jose Luis de Jesus Miranda received media attention from around the world and even CNN stopped to interview him, finding out that modern day Jesus was an ex-heroin addict, a professional thief, and a proud wearer of a 666 tattoo. In fact, many of his followers were running to the nearest tattoo parlor to get the 666 symbol tattooed on their bodies to show their dedication to Puerto Rican Jesus...
PR Jesus was against the church and regularly protested and interrupted church services by smashing religious idols with his smile...He also had a thing for Rolex watches, Lexus cars, and hot women....He planned to rule the world....
Fast forward to 2009--we have a new president, a crappy economy, and PR Jesus has just lost a heated divorce settlement case against his second wife, who he calls a “gold-digging lesbian.” The case was riddled with tension and incoherent ramblings about 'uncircumsicion'... For more about the divorce settlement case, click here (opens in new window)
As I curiously opened an email with "Increase your lovestick" in the subject line, eyes up towards the ceiling, I wondered what kind of spam Televangelist Pat Robertson gets every day.I then wondered if I would be able to dig up some snazzy Pat Robertson clips. After 2 seconds of fast finger work, I came across a "Becoming an ex-gay" type of video created by the 700 Club.
Within the first 30 seconds Pat breaks it down: there was a militant lesbian who found jesus and stunned the gay community when she became Un-gay. She then resumed her post as magazine editor of a magazine named after a friend who had been allegedly murdered by her gay lover.
In the video, Charlene Cothran (a.k.a the militant lesbian) says that one day during a gay pride event, a sense of shame came over her; I tend to think it was caused by the hideous red and black flannel shirts she was wearing at the time. If I left the house wearing that, I would definitely be ashamed, unless of of course, I was off to chop down a tree in the mountains...but getting back to the video, Ms. Cothran, who is now living a life of celibacy, is dedicated to pulling people out of what she calls "the gay life" and insists that being Un-gay is better than any good music in a club or any gay pride parade.
Pat Robertson, who apparently views homosexuals as a group of people who have thrown their hands up and continue to sin just for the hell of it, believes that god loves all gays even though they will always have a gray ziggy cloud of confusion and turmoil hanging over them. Most dissapointing is the lack of trannies prancing around dressed like ballerinas in the stock footage.
Benny Hinn fondling a big ass cross while listening to some crazy guy that alternates between psychosis and melancholy throughout the clip...
Just in case you were wondering: The guy starts out by saying that while on vacation in Amsterdam (smoking a dubee) he happened upon a big burly man who was trying to commit suicide by banging his head against the wall?.....Couldn't get my camera set up in time....damn!
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